what is domestic abuse?
On this page, we answer some of the questions you may have about domestic abuse.
What is domestic abuse? Click on the headings below to read more:
What is domestic abuse? (click to expand)
Domestic abuse is when a person hurts, bullies or takes away the choices of someone they have a close relationship with.
They might be dating, living together, married or have children together. It can involve someone a person used to be with.
In all relationships there can be difficult times. People can argue, disagree and say or do things that can be hurtful. What is different about domestic abuse is that it causes one person to be scared of the other. Also, it doesn't just happen once.
What does domestic abuse involve? (click to expand)
Abusers can hurt others in many different ways:
Why does domestic abuse happen? (click to expand)
Mostly, women and children are the people who are hurt by domestic abuse and men are the people who abuse. But some men do experience domestic abuse as do people in same sex relationships.
The reason that more women experience domestic abuse may be that until quite recently it used to be acceptable (and even legal) for men to hurt their wives if they did not obey them.
People choose to be abusive. Some abusers say they were drunk or had taken drugs. But drinking or drugs do not cause domestic abuse, although they can make it worse. Some people say they were feeling stressed at the time or that the other person was 'asking for it'.
This is not true. These are just excuses. No one makes someone else abusive. No one deserves to be abused. Any type of abuse is wrong. The person it is happening to is never to blame.
There are lots of myths about domestic abuse - read about there on the domestic abuse myths page.
How does it affect children and young people? (click to expand)
People often think that domestic abuse doesn't affect children and young people when in reality, it can have a devastating and lasting effect.
Adults sometimes think that they can hide what's going on but children and young people often hear, see or feel what's happening at home.
They might hear shouting or hitting, see their mum upset or injured or feel tension in the house. Often children are nearby when the abuse is happening and some children and young people are also hurt by the abuser.
Some of the impacts on children and young people:
Domestic abuse is not your fault. The person who abuses is responsible - not you or anyone else.
Domestic abuse can also affect young people within their own intimate relationships.
Young people entering into their first intimate relationships often don't recognise abusive and controlling behaviours as well as social media influences and trends normalising abusive behaviours.
Whatever you feel is okay - there are no right or wrong feelings. Our service can provide emotional and practical support for any child or young person who has been affected by domestic abuse both historically or currently. This could be within your own relationship or a family member's and includes same sex couples.
Our service supports all children and young people, of any gender identity, aged between 5 and 18 years old.
We can also provide support for children under 5 years through supporting a parent or carer.
How does it affect LGBT women? (click to expand)
Lesbian, bisexual and transgender women experience domestic abuse regardless of age, social status, disability, ethnicity, race or religion.
At DWA we recognise that whilst all the information on this website regarding the signs, characteristics and myths around domestic abuse may also be true for LGBT women, there are also some specific elements to the domestic abuse they may experience.
There are also certain specific issues faced by transgender women which are detailed below.
What other issues are specific to LGBT women? (click to expand)
When domestic abuse is happening in a lesbian or bisexual woman's relationship it may be even harder to name these behaviours as abusive and hard for people to accept that a female partner could be an abuser.
Some of the issues that may be faced by lesbian or bisexual women in an abusive relationship are:
These can include:
Click here for some links to useful resources.
What other issues are specific to transgender women? (click to expand)
A recent study in Scotland showed that the most frequent form of abuse experienced by transgender women was transphobic emotional abuse. [*]
Some of the behaviours described were...
Transgender people are at a high risk of domestic abuse, especially emotionally abusive transphobic behaviours, when they come out as trans for the first time to existing partners.
A second high risk point for domestic abuse, especially emotionally abusive transphobic behaviours, occurs when a person reveals plans to undergo gender reassignment to a partner who is already aware of the person's trans identity but has been assuming that they would not transition.
The negative partner reactions included a range of verbal, emotional and physical abuses. Cases that involve extreme violence have also been disclosed to the Scottish Transgender Alliance.
The underlying ethos behind Dundee Women's Aid and our approach to support is one of a non-judgemental partnership with the women who come to us for help.
As with all women, we approach support with a transgender woman from a person centred point of view. We listen to the views and wishes of the woman to find out what she needs from us and assist her to find out any other information or support services that she needed.
We never tell women what to do as we recognise the lack of choice and control that they have had in an abusive relationship and also that they are the experts in their own loves. Instead, we work side by side with them to help them move towards their own goals.
For a transgender woman, we can assure you that we would work sensitively and respectfully with you to understand the specific issues you may have faced/be facing in your life. We would endeavour to tailor support to meet your needs as we do with every woman.
Click here for some links to useful resources
Did you know? (click to expand)
What is domestic abuse? Click on the headings below to read more:
What is domestic abuse? (click to expand)
Domestic abuse is when a person hurts, bullies or takes away the choices of someone they have a close relationship with.
They might be dating, living together, married or have children together. It can involve someone a person used to be with.
In all relationships there can be difficult times. People can argue, disagree and say or do things that can be hurtful. What is different about domestic abuse is that it causes one person to be scared of the other. Also, it doesn't just happen once.
(show less)
What does domestic abuse involve? (click to expand)
Abusers can hurt others in many different ways:
- Physically - by hitting, kicking, punching, pushing, slapping
- Emotionally - by threatening them, making them feel bad about themselves, stopping them from seeing friends and family
- Financially - by not giving them any money, not letting them work or controlling all the money
- Sexually - by forcing them to have sex or watch sexual behaviour and touching them against their will
(show less)
Why does domestic abuse happen? (click to expand)
Mostly, women and children are the people who are hurt by domestic abuse and men are the people who abuse. But some men do experience domestic abuse as do people in same sex relationships.
The reason that more women experience domestic abuse may be that until quite recently it used to be acceptable (and even legal) for men to hurt their wives if they did not obey them.
People choose to be abusive. Some abusers say they were drunk or had taken drugs. But drinking or drugs do not cause domestic abuse, although they can make it worse. Some people say they were feeling stressed at the time or that the other person was 'asking for it'.
This is not true. These are just excuses. No one makes someone else abusive. No one deserves to be abused. Any type of abuse is wrong. The person it is happening to is never to blame.
There are lots of myths about domestic abuse - read about there on the domestic abuse myths page.
(show less)
How does it affect children and young people? (click to expand)
People often think that domestic abuse doesn't affect children and young people when in reality, it can have a devastating and lasting effect.
Adults sometimes think that they can hide what's going on but children and young people often hear, see or feel what's happening at home.
They might hear shouting or hitting, see their mum upset or injured or feel tension in the house. Often children are nearby when the abuse is happening and some children and young people are also hurt by the abuser.
Some of the impacts on children and young people:
- Hypervigilance and anxiety
- Nightmares or trouble sleeping
- Depression or other mental health issues
- Physical symptoms - sore tummy, wetting the bed
- Struggling to cope or regulate emotions
- Risk taking behaviours such as drug use, truanting etc.
Domestic abuse is not your fault. The person who abuses is responsible - not you or anyone else.
Domestic abuse can also affect young people within their own intimate relationships.
Young people entering into their first intimate relationships often don't recognise abusive and controlling behaviours as well as social media influences and trends normalising abusive behaviours.
- Controlling behaviours: checking your phone, telling you who you can spend time with, dictating what you can wear, taking away your freedom of choice, tracking you on things like 'snapmaps' or 'find my friend', constant messaging or calling
- Sexual abuse: pressuring you into sexual activity or something you don't want to do, making you send explicit images or 'nudes', having sex with you without your consent, threatening to share explicit images, videos or intimate details
- Physical abuse: hitting you, throwing objects at you, pushing you, strangulation, blaming aggressive or abusive behaviour on you or something else like substance use
- Emotional abuse: threatening you, making you feel scared or anxious, calling you degrading or humiliating names, making you feel worthless or that nobody else would want to be with you, using other people to make you feel insecure
- Financial abuse: making you feel like you owe them something if they buy you gifts, promising to buy you something if you do what they say
Whatever you feel is okay - there are no right or wrong feelings. Our service can provide emotional and practical support for any child or young person who has been affected by domestic abuse both historically or currently. This could be within your own relationship or a family member's and includes same sex couples.
Our service supports all children and young people, of any gender identity, aged between 5 and 18 years old.
We can also provide support for children under 5 years through supporting a parent or carer.
(show less)
How does it affect LGBT women? (click to expand)
Lesbian, bisexual and transgender women experience domestic abuse regardless of age, social status, disability, ethnicity, race or religion.
At DWA we recognise that whilst all the information on this website regarding the signs, characteristics and myths around domestic abuse may also be true for LGBT women, there are also some specific elements to the domestic abuse they may experience.
There are also certain specific issues faced by transgender women which are detailed below.
(show less)
What other issues are specific to LGBT women? (click to expand)
When domestic abuse is happening in a lesbian or bisexual woman's relationship it may be even harder to name these behaviours as abusive and hard for people to accept that a female partner could be an abuser.
Some of the issues that may be faced by lesbian or bisexual women in an abusive relationship are:
- Experiencing abuse from a former partner. The context of this abuse may lead to behaviours such as stalking and harassment, attempts to stop a woman behaving in a certain way, attempts to restrict access to lesbian and gay spaces or efforts to stop a woman seeing her new partner. Threats or actual sexual violence may also be used by a former partner.
- Some lesbian and bisexual women have children, It Is important to remember that domestic abuse affects children significantly regardless of the sexuality or gender orientation of their parents. As with heterosexual women, lesbian or bisexual women can find that abuse escalates or even starts at the time of pregnancy. Lesbian and bisexual women may also experience judgemental attitudes about their parental choices and abilities. This knowledge can be used against them by abusers as part of the pattern of control.
- Using someone's sexuality to abuse them - threats to 'out' a woman, disclose their sexual orientation or gender identity without their consent to family/employers etc, criticising them for not being a' real' lesbian or bisexual woman, playing on fears that no-one will help due to sexual orientation and that agencies such as the Police are homophobic or biphobic. This can lead to a woman thinking services are not aimed at them, or would not offer an appropriate service. Dundee Women's Aid are committed to being inclusive to lesbian, bisexual and transgender women.
These can include:
- People may wrongly assume that abuse between people of the same-sex is mutual.
- If abuse occurs the couple will 'play out' heterosexual gender roles e.g. the victim will be more feminine whilst the abuser is more masculine.
- A lesbian or bisexual woman is more able to leave an abusive relationship because there are no children or one parent is not the biological parent.
Click here for some links to useful resources.
(show less)
What other issues are specific to transgender women? (click to expand)
A recent study in Scotland showed that the most frequent form of abuse experienced by transgender women was transphobic emotional abuse. [*]
Some of the behaviours described were...
- Stopping someone from taking medication or having treatment needed to express gender identity (e.g. hormones, surgery).
- Stopping someone from being able to express your gender identity through other changes in appearance (e.g. the clothes you wear, hair, make up).
- Stopping someone from being able to express gender identity through how they describe themselves (e.g. the name and pronouns used).
- Stopping someone from telling other people about their trans background or identity.
- Threatening to tell people about someone's trans background or identity.
- Making someone feel ashamed, guilty, or wrong about their trans background or identity.
- Stopping someone from engaging with other trans people or attending transgender social groups and support groups.
- Drawing attention to, or focus on, parts of someone's body that they feel uncomfortable about.
Transgender people are at a high risk of domestic abuse, especially emotionally abusive transphobic behaviours, when they come out as trans for the first time to existing partners.
A second high risk point for domestic abuse, especially emotionally abusive transphobic behaviours, occurs when a person reveals plans to undergo gender reassignment to a partner who is already aware of the person's trans identity but has been assuming that they would not transition.
The negative partner reactions included a range of verbal, emotional and physical abuses. Cases that involve extreme violence have also been disclosed to the Scottish Transgender Alliance.
The underlying ethos behind Dundee Women's Aid and our approach to support is one of a non-judgemental partnership with the women who come to us for help.
As with all women, we approach support with a transgender woman from a person centred point of view. We listen to the views and wishes of the woman to find out what she needs from us and assist her to find out any other information or support services that she needed.
We never tell women what to do as we recognise the lack of choice and control that they have had in an abusive relationship and also that they are the experts in their own loves. Instead, we work side by side with them to help them move towards their own goals.
For a transgender woman, we can assure you that we would work sensitively and respectfully with you to understand the specific issues you may have faced/be facing in your life. We would endeavour to tailor support to meet your needs as we do with every woman.
Click here for some links to useful resources
[*] Out of sight, out of mind? - Transgender People's Experiences of Domestic Abuse, LGBT Youth Scotland & Equality Network, http://www.scottishtrans.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/trans_domestic_abuse.pdf
(show less)
Did you know? (click to expand)
- One in five women experiences domestic abuse
- There were 64,807 reported incidents of domestic abuse to Police in Scotland in 2021-22. 2,547 of these were reported in Dundee City. At local authority level, Dundee City recorded the highest incident rates per 10,000. (statistics available here )
- 100,000 children in Scotland experience domestic abuse
- Nine out of ten children are in the same or next room during incidents of domestic abuse
(show less)